The Great Perhaps

Adventures can start with a spontaneous bang, or with a tiny kernel of quiet resolve, like ice in your heart.
Embarking on something new is always terrifying. If you’re not terrified, you’ve not grasped the situation properly. People have told me I’m brave for trying new things, but I’m not. I’m terrified. I’m always afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid that as soon as I try something new that I’ll fail at it, and everyone will know and strangers will point at me and whisper as I walk down the street and say behind their hands “That’s her… That’s the girl that couldn’t.”
But as I sit here at my desk, working at the same company I’ve worked at for close to 6 years, I’m feeling a new kind of fear; the fear of stagnating. It’s like heavy cold water sitting in my stomach and spreading through my veins. I see people leaving and going on to other, presumably better things, but I’m still here. Why? Why am I still here? Because I’m afraid. Here, I know everything. I know all the processes and all the products and all the people. Out there, I know nothing. There’s a common saying in my office amongst the people who have been here a while: “There’s got to be more to life than this.” And you know what? There has to be. What the fuck am I still doing here? Why aren’t I out there in the great perhaps?  I know what I want to do. I know it in my heart, but it’s just so hard to take that first step, to trust in yourself enough to do something. Anything! It doesn’t have to be a big step. Just a tiny shuffle in the right direction is enough. Almost anything in life is repairable. You can get a new job, you can grow your hair back, you can take out the nose ring that once made you look so tough, but now is just a youthful booger collector in a too old face. The only thing that’s stopping you, me, everybody, is fear.  I feel myself getting closer and closer to this unknown, to this point where I must jump. Whether I fly or fall remains to be seen, but I know that I can’t stand here forever wondering. I have to take the chance and see. And it’s coming. My time is coming and I will be out there in the new shiny terrifying world trying things.