Jeans

Don’t talk to me about jeans. I cannot find jeans that fit all of me. I can find ones that fit around the waist, but are so baggy around my bum and legs, it sort of looks like I’m wearing pilchers with windsocks attached... Even the skinny leg jeans. I can find jeans that fit my bum and legs nicely, but almost cut me in half when I try to button them.

I’m just not the right shape for jeans. Or pants in general, really. I saw a lady at the shops who was wearing jeans that looked like they were made for her, or perhaps she was in some sort of nuclear accident and they became fused to her and are now part of her awesome super hero nature. I wanted to punch her in the face.

Where do you get jeans to fit you like that? How do you make them fit so well everywhere?
Do you wear them in the pool and then sit in the sun? Wear them in the microwave so they shrink like a crisp packet, but your body is there, so it goes to that exact shape? Grow cotton on your waist, so it will trail down your legs like they're some sort of splint and then fashion them into jeans?

Or on your ankles, because cotton probably grows up, not down? I don’t know. I’m not a farmer.

Maybe I should design my own pair of jeans and have someone make them. But they would be an unattractive shape. Like pregnant lady jeans. But without the cute baby bump section. Just a tummy pouch. OH GOD THAT IS THE WORST IDEA EVER. Just forget I said anything.

I know! I’ll get Apple Bottom jeans and turn them around! They’ll be Apple Belly jeans! For those that have no junk in their trunk, but some jelly in the belly.