Abandonment

Husband recently went away for a week to the snow with a couple of friends and his Dad.
It was a boy’s week where they would ski and pour schnapps on fresh snow for some reason. As a girl my very essence would ruin such a week. I’d infect their schnapps with my oestrogen and presumably my vagina would get in the way of everyone’s skis, so I was left at home.

I’ve spent nights away from Husband before, but I haven’t spent a night alone in an empty house for 5 years or so. It was a strange experience.

Night 1 of abandonment: Ate frosting out of can for breakfast with spoon. Husband not here to be judgey with his judging eyes. Did lots of things to be busy today. Stayed up as late as I could so I would sleep well. Bed feels like whole empty continent. So much space! Might be bed agoraphobic... afraid of too much bed space. Scary noises seem scarier. Sniff pillow to see if it smells like husband like they do in movies. Immediately regret decision because, in fact, pillow does smell like husband. Husband not smell great. Have strange empty feeling all day like have maybe lost limb or possibly really need to poop, discern feeling is loneliness.

Miss husband 11 out of 15.

Night 2 of abandonment: Bed still feels strangely empty. Like small island rather than whole continent. Bed feels like empty Tasmania but with less apples and inbreds. Enjoyed sleeping and facing left last night without being breathed on. Awoke this morning to all the covers still on me. Noises not so scary tonight. Annoyed at loud stompy neighbours. Wish for someone to complain loudly to. Whole house smells like fresh baked soda bread. Feel superior to almost everyone. Laugh to self about husband being cold in snow while self is warm and smelling of bread. Tell self that husband is most likely warm inside also. Tell self that that’s not as funny and imagine husband in snow with one missing sock and one missing glove. Realise I am talking to self like crazy person.

Miss husband 6 out of 15.

Night 3 of abandonment: Bed is size of medium city. Like Melbourne. Only not so cold. Feeling very independent. Did same regular activities but by self. Got given lots of compliments today. Made self feel floaty and light. Feel am strong independent woman. Sing Destiny’s Child songs in head. Think “Fuck it!” and sing them out loud. Too tired to notice scary noises.

Miss husband 1 out of 15.

Night 4 of abandonment: Went to first aid course today. Learned how to save peoples’ lives and distribute band aids. Feel is noble cause. Go home and consider practicing bandages on small girl dog. Small girl dog gives self small dog glare. Consider practicing bandages on small boy dog as substitute. Small boy dog looks suspicious and frightened. Cuddle small dogs instead. Go to Coles to buy supplies for dinner party tomorrow night. Get rained on. Get rescued by friends husband who sees self walking in the rain and offers self ride home. Self gratefully accepts. Consider stealing other husband. Not for nefarious sexual purpose, but light in lounge room is flickering and self is too short to change globe.  Marinate pork belly and clean house til early hours of the morning. Dance around to music a lot. Dance badly. Bed seems to be size of small country town. Perhaps Broken Hill. But with less miners.

Miss husband 3 out of 15.

Night 5 of abandonment: Had dinner party tonight. But less fancy. Ate on sofa with plates on laps. Tell self I am classy person. Girls from work came over and played Wii and watched Masterchef. We laughed lots and cuddled dogs. There was a doggy visitor for my small dogs. He was even smaller. I wanted to steal him and his softness and keep him in my pocket. After friends went home self turned music on and danced around house again. Feel this is becoming habit. Tried to rap along with Snoop Dogg but am too white. Tried to shake booty, but lack of booty made this task difficult. Tidied house and fell into bed which is size of Elsternwick but with less bagel shops.

Miss husband 1 out of 15.

Night 6 of abandonment: Slept strange last night. Have given self sore neck.  Decide to treat self with pamper day. Go and get massaged by Thai lady who stretches legs very far back. Decide to get facial too. Thai lady squishes cut up bits of orange on face. Strange feeling. Go and get manicure and pedicure. Decide to go and get wax. Request eyebrow and Brazilian wax. Waxing lady very vicious. Everything finished in 8 minutes though. Can’t quite walk properly due to trauma caused to vagina by hair being forcibly removed by lady who seems to have personal vendetta against said hair. Go home and realise self has weird bits of orange stuck in eyebrows. Feel awkward. Turn on music and dance around house again. Bed is perfect size for sleeping in. Stretch out lots and can touch the sides.

Miss husband 0 out of 15.

Night 7 - Last night of freedom: Didn’t leave house all day. Stayed in pyjamas on sofa most of day and read book. Small girl dog and small boy dog slept on sofa next to me. Very content in own company. Watched bad television without huffing noises from husband. Enjoyed self enormously. Bed is still perfect size. Sleep on stomach like star fish. Make ocean noises to self and pretend am starfish. Stop making ocean noises because thought of water makes bladder feel extremely full.

Miss husband 0 out of 15.

Night 8 – Return of husband: Have to wake up early to achieve things today. Take self to dance on tram, where am confused for stripper. Enjoy dance class immensely. Feel that perhaps self dances like spastic who is deaf and devoid of rhythm. Return home to clean house properly for husbands return. Do washing up. Give up on cleaning house and read book. Hear husband putting key in door lock and stupid smile spreads involuntarily on face. Husband comes in and puts dirty things all over mostly clean house. Get mad at husband and wish he would go skiing again and take his dirty clothes and washing up with him so house not smell like boy. Bed feels entirely too small. Like am sleeping in child's racing car bed with Bigfoot.

Wish husband would go away 11 out of 15.